Figuring it Out and Choosing Your Happiness
It is a strange feeling when you doubt your next possible move, but you know that move is the one you want to make the most. I suppose that “strange feeling” is more of a fear — a fear that things won’t work out as you’re hoping. So how do you decide what to do?
In the past, I have been known to act on impulse. The past impulsive decisions were usually innocent, but certainly not well-thought-out (hello, retail therapy). Bigger life decisions, however, are what leave me rummaging back and forth for answers for months on end. Those are the decisions that keep the wicked “what if” question playing on loop in my head.
The most recent decision that took time to make was in regards to completing my bachelor’s degree. At this point I had my associate’s and had already switched majors once before, which prolonged my time in school more than I would have liked, so switching majors again was out of the question. This time I needed to make more of a concrete decision, and that decision was to take a leave of absence from university altogether. As much as I aspired to complete my degree, I couldn’t help but feel such great apathy towards the field of study I was working towards. I couldn’t bare to spend more time and energy studying material that I felt no connection to. I would never allow myself to do poorly in the courses no matter how much I disliked them, therefore leading me to constant stress. The only choice that felt right for me was to take time off and figure things out. University would always be there, but my sanity felt like it was being ripped apart little by little.
I am sure those feelings are common amongst any adult who is working their way through a bachelor degree while maintaining a full-time job, family or even both. I reached a moment of clarity where I truly felt that finishing my degree was not what I was meant to be pursuing in life right then. And so, I went with my gut feeling.
It was not an easy decision to make, as I did not want to disappoint those who have been encouraging me throughout the journey. How little did I think then because I soon found an overwhelming amount of support from those same people for the decision I had made to stop. It was if my need for a break was more apparent than ever, even to them, and for them I am forever grateful.
I also worried that I would be “giving up” if I stopped then and worried that I had “no plan” for what I would do once I stopped. I kept thinking maybe I should just stick it out, but that gut of mine was wailing out to me. I just had to bite the bullet, and so I did.
As of today, I am taking things day-by-day. I am allowing myself to express my most inner and outer creative thoughts and feelings without the overshadowing stress of schoolwork, and I cannot begin to explain how fulfilling it has been so far. I am figuring it out and I am enjoying every bit of the process.
The good news is…the scary part is over.
